I went to see my sister's grave today, and I couldn't
help but wonder " what in the world am I doing here?"
Why am I visiting a grave? My sister should be alive
and happy and healthy, not buried in the ground
where I can't see her. I do know I will see her again.
But I just want to see her....here.
I remember thinking as a little girl that I didn't want
anything to change. I felt happy and secure at home.
My family loved each other and had a wonderful time
together. I felt loved. I felt like there was no where
else I ever wanted to be. But time snuck in and I grew
up. As a few of us were getting ready to leave
for college I remember thinking we would all end
up together again. We could all live together in a culdasac
somewhere. It just didn't turn out quite the way I planned.
I still feel close to my family. We talk to each other often.
But we have seperate lives. And that is okay, but sometimes
I still long for it to be just us. We are living our lives the way
we are supposed to. We are still an eternal family. Erin has
died, but I don't feel like she is missing and I don't feel like we
have lost her. She is still very much a part of our family. I know
she will be helping me in ways she never could have on the earth.
When I am impatient with my kids, I feel her right there telling
me to have a little more patience. When I am crying for her, I feel
her telling me it's okay, she feels happy and I should feel happy too.
I feel her encouraging me to pray more sincerely and deeply.
So while things aren't the way they used to be, or what I expected, I
can't say that I would change things. We all have experiences that
put us one step closer to Heavenly Father. I know that I need to
embrace this new change in our family and move forward with more
faith and determination.
