The New (and Mighty) Chief Cultural Enforcement Officer

At work, I recently undertook a new assignment. I'm now officially in charge of what my department calls "Cultural Enforcement." As Chief Cultural Enforcement Officer (or the CCEO), I'm responsible for keeping our mini fridge and one shelf of our book shelves stocked with snacks, arranging birthday lunches, getting our department out to see movies, and maintaining the morale of the Epicenter (or Marketing Department). Today, I sent out my first official edict. I present it forthwith for the purpose of general merriment :).

Herein an extremely official edict from the Commanding Epicenter Epicurean, President of the Let's-Get-This-Party-Started Committee, and the Chief Cultural Enforcement Officer, His Majesty Neal Ethan Ignatio Maximus Jenks Esq. the Third (Hereafter the "CCEO"):

Declaration 1

Whereas citizens of the Epicenter have duly and dutifully applied their noses to the proverbial grindstone upon various and sundry occasions, and whereas the entire company revolves around the activities of said Epicenter, all citizens are to quit forthwith any and all workaholic tendencies and surrender to the might and whims of the CCEO upon demand, whether such demands involve anniversary of birth commencement ceremonies (Hereafter "birthday lunch(es)"), participation in digital surround sound cinema display experiences, paying homage to both past and current Rock luminaries via Rock Band Video Game participation, and/or general boogeying and getting-down-with-one's-bad-self activities.

Declaration 2

All citizens shall immediately submit requests for the purchasing of rations from the Costco wholesale food club and tasty sample attainment facility. Current records indicate the following requests already received as:

• Dill pickles


• Trail Mix

Any requests not received by or before 5:00p of the 21st day of November, 2008, are subject to immediate dismissal and great amounts of ridicule. Furthermore, any requests received by or before the aforementioned time and date are STILL subject to immediate dismissal and great amounts of ridicule based on the Judgement of General Yumminess Standards of the CCEO.

 

Declaration 3

All citizens shall immediately submit the most appropriate day and time for their birthday lunch ceremonies. Failure to comply with Declaration 3 will result in immediate subjugation of all non-compliance citizens to removal of one (1) Man Card.

Declaration 4

All citizens shall immediately, or as the thought or thoughts occur to them, submit ideas for Cultural Enforcement activities to the CCEO. Failure to comply to Declaration 4 will result in incessant whining and intermittent falsified flatulence from the CCEO.

Signed,

His Majesty Neal Ethan Ignatio Maximus Jenks Esq. the Third (That's MR. JENKS to you, bub)

Commanding Epicenter Epicurean

President of the Let's-Get-This-Party-Started Committee

Chief Cultural Enforcement Officer

(for real)