My blog posts are always such saga's....prepare yourself for this one.
So tonight was one of the worst parenting nights I have had in my almost 6 years as a mom. What I experienced at home tonight will be one of those moments I'll never forget and will always remember to bring up to my children millions of times when they are young parents!
I had to work tonight but after an hour of work I could hardly talk. I have issues with my throat, but that is a whole other story I will share later. Or never. Anyway, I got home around 7:30pm and the kids were of course so happy to see me and I was so happy to see them. Neal said they ate a good dinner and were ready for bed. I hadn't eaten so I sat down to eat and check out the news while Neal took the kids upstairs. After a few moments I could hear Olivia screaming. And screaming. And yes, more screaming. I ran upstairs, went into her room and shut the door to try to discover the problem. She gave me a wide variety of complaints....she was mad about getting her teeth brushed, mad about putting on her pajamas and mad that she had to go to bed. I got her to calm down, made some funny faces, tickled her tummy and got her to agree to have story time. Story time, scripture time and prayer were great and the kids were off to bed.
Then the 3 hour bedtime saga began. Seriously my kids aren't that hard to put to bed. But tonight...I don't know what happened. Joseph went to bed easily and fell asleep instantly. I sang to Olivia, played with her a little and left the room. She was overly tired so she started to scream and protest again. She is so LOUD! I went back upstairs after listening to that for 1/2 hour to give her a piece of my mind...(don't worry, I was calm) and tried to soothe her. It worked and she started to drift...when Joseph came to the door. This is the sweet part of the story. I was shooing Joseph away when he said..."Mom, I think Olivia needs some comfort from her big brother." I thought that was so sweet I agreed. Uh uh......wrong choice. He was so very sweet and tender with her for several moments. He told her her big brother was there to take care of her and she would be alright. He held her hand and kissed her on the cheek and told her he loved her. He smiled at her and even laid down next to her. As cute as it was it caused even bigger problems than before!
Suddenly and to my even greater surprise, all hell broke loose. It has been almost a year since my sister died and I have been talking about her a lot lately. Joseph does talk about her frequently too and how much he misses her. Tonight he said that Olivia's screaming woke him up from a bad dream he was having about Erin and he wanted to talk about it...in Olivia's room right as she was finally drifting off to sleep. As I was urging him out the door he collapsed in my arms with a huge cry. Now, please don't get me wrong. I am sensitive to my children when it comes to my sister. I know it is hard for them to understand. Joseph always asks when she is coming back and when he can see her. I try and explain it the best I can. I tell them she is their guardian angel and she watches out for them all the time.
So to make a long, boring story shorter....the night continued on in this fashion. Screaming and crying from both kids. Joseph really milked the grieving issue and tried to score a movie instead of going to bed. I am no longer sympathetic when my child uses that as an excuse to watch a movie. Again I realize the comprehension of a child is so different than ours, but Joseph isn't any regular kid. He is smart beyond smart and learning a little bit about manipulation. After 3 hours of chaos and crying the kids finally settled down and went to sleep. Not my ideal way of putting the kids to bed at all!
Maybe when the day comes to share this story with my kids, I will only remember the sweet parts. But right now, I am trying shake off the disappointment of the evening and more than anything, trying not to feel like a failure as a parent. Things like this wouldn't happen if I was doing it right....right?
I did find some joy in Motherhood tonight. Sometimes it's just the tiny, tiniest glimmer of joy and I can hardly feel it or see it, but it is always there.
