I just had to say it. I have been sick as a dog for the last 3 weeks and I thought maybe, just maybe this was it. But my body decided to play a big trick on me. I have had all of my typical symptoms of pregnancy. Headaches, nausea, gagging and dry heaving when I brush my teeth, extreme hunger, extreme cravings, cramping and my abdomen swelling like a watermelon and worst of all, smells that make me sick. Turns out though what I thought for sure was a pregnancy, is just the red coats on the march!
I have prayed, fasted, talked through and exhausted myself with knowing what to do. Neal and I have been tested and there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to have more children. I have 30 pounds to lose, but I don't think that is a huge contributing factor. Maybe it is.
I have had a lot of peaceful moments about this in the last 3 1/2 years, but I have also had my share of anger, frustration, desperation, heartache and guilt. I have tried to have hope and remain faithful, but I admit that a lot of times I push those hurt feelings deep down and in turn feel resentment and sadness. Doesn't Heavenly Father trust me with another child? I know that is a crazy thing to wonder, but I do wonder. I know there must be a reason why it hasn't happened yet, but for now it is killing me. This is one of the biggest, if not the biggest trial I have ever experienced in my life. It really, really sucks!
9 comments:
Your post just made me cry. Dallin cost us a good amount of change to get, then I missed carried and now I can't get prego due to no husband. Even though our stories are different I feel your pain and hurt. I wish I could answer better than "God makes all things right, and all in his timing". At times those words have helped me and at other times they just cut deeper. Praying for you and we love you tons. I am sorry Shannon.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish I could help you in some way. I will keep you in my prayers.
Shannon my heart goes out to you. I am sorry this has been such a struggle the last few years. Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us and sometimes it's waiting and that is not the easiest thing to do. Love you and miss you tons! You are a great friend!
Shannon, I feel for you. I went thru just a portion of what you are and I remember how upset and saddened I was. I am including a link to a friend of mine who lives in Homer. She is very knowladgeable about infertility and many other things related to that. Perhaps you will find hope and solace in what she shares. She is LDS, but also VERY Crunchy. http://brightonwoman.blogspot.com/p/concerning-miscarriages-angel-children.html
Hugs for you Shannon. I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of comfort to share with you, but I don't. Just know that you are loved!
You are an amazing, strong woman Shannon. And a stellar mother. I look up to you so much and the grace with which you have handled this trial. Prayers and hugs for you!!
Hey Shannon, I'm so sorry! I'm sure it's just really frustrating.
I know it's unorthodox and all, but sometimes it's just really hard to not wonder why things like this happen. As I was reading your post, I had just read a friend's blog who's husband is going through his second round of brain cancer and it's not going well. They're the most incredible couple and it breaks my heart. But yet her posts are always so inspiring. You can check it out at http://ourpursuits.blogspot.com/.
So anyway, when I wonder why do these devastating things have to happen so such wonderful people who have made eternal covenants, my mind always leads me to think of this conference talk. http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-439-25,00.html One quote from it is this:
"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not . . . . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. . . . Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. . . . He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, . . . we will trust in the Lord.
Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. . . . He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. . . . We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, . . . we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."
Beautiful isn't it?
I'm so sorry you've been struggling so much honey. I wish more than anything that you could just be happy. Know that I love you and know that I'll do everything I can to make you smile.
shannon, I wish I had an answer for you :) I am so sorry you have to struggle with this. We all have our trials (I'm sure you have heard that a million times.) I seem to get pregnant really easy, but we only get boys. My heart has always longed for a daughter and I might not have one :) I will keep you in my prayers. I could tell you things I have heard- - that might help :) email me. Hang in there- you are a wonderful mom!!!
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