I just had to say it. I have been sick as a dog for the last 3 weeks and I thought maybe, just maybe this was it. But my body decided to play a big trick on me. I have had all of my typical symptoms of pregnancy. Headaches, nausea, gagging and dry heaving when I brush my teeth, extreme hunger, extreme cravings, cramping and my abdomen swelling like a watermelon and worst of all, smells that make me sick. Turns out though what I thought for sure was a pregnancy, is just the red coats on the march!
I have prayed, fasted, talked through and exhausted myself with knowing what to do. Neal and I have been tested and there is no reason why we shouldn't be able to have more children. I have 30 pounds to lose, but I don't think that is a huge contributing factor. Maybe it is.
I have had a lot of peaceful moments about this in the last 3 1/2 years, but I have also had my share of anger, frustration, desperation, heartache and guilt. I have tried to have hope and remain faithful, but I admit that a lot of times I push those hurt feelings deep down and in turn feel resentment and sadness. Doesn't Heavenly Father trust me with another child? I know that is a crazy thing to wonder, but I do wonder. I know there must be a reason why it hasn't happened yet, but for now it is killing me. This is one of the biggest, if not the biggest trial I have ever experienced in my life. It really, really sucks!
